At what age did you find yourself in your first real relationship? I am neither asking at what age you fell in love for the first time nor when you were in your first “serious relationship” because, as I will attempt to annotate in greater detail, emotions are hugely misleading and being in love does not really mean being in a real relationship.

I spent three years with my first love. That was my first ‘serious relationship’. In those three toxic years, I learned more about him than I did me. I became an extension of his existence, not a partner. I was young, naïve and most destructively, I had the wrong idea of what love was. When my imminent heartbreak arrived, needless to say, I could not rationalize why it had all gotten so bad but I still did not walk away with any knowledge of what a real relationship was.

My next two relationships in varsity were just as mistaken as my very first. All fucked up. Not in the same way but one thing was common. None were real relationships. Was I in love?

Arguably, but emotions do not make a relationship, neither does a title. Relationships are borne from conscious and continuous decisions to be an item. When you cannot profess your feelings without the stinging fear of them not being reciprocated, how is it a real relationship? When you live with the fear of your partner walking out on you the moment a fight erupts so you hold your tongue even when you should not, how is that a real relationship? When you act as bait for other fish in the pond because you’re disgruntled with your partner, are you in a real relationship?

Storybooks have not taught us what real relationships are. Sometimes my communication skills need polishing – to my partner’s dismay – so I mess up and then need to pick up the scattered blocks. Other times, he chafes my nerves and needs to restore my mood. Collectively, among the laughing, the embracing, the playing, the joking and everything else lovers do, there is arguing and having to listen even when you are not trying to hear anything; there is annoyance and learning to let go of the sour sentiments; there is also getting your feelings hurt and being able to forgive when the other is contrite.

That is a real relationship. Relationships are not easy. Sharing your life with another being who has their own ambitions and dreams, feelings and methods of coping is not easy – hence so many marriages fail. What I am learning is: it is our consistent commitment to the giving of our time, our forgiveness, our kindness and our truth that makes the Titanic called “relationship” float. I now understand what is meant by “growing within a relationship”. We can only do so when we are in real relationships not a farce of a fairytale.

Now I am able to really revel in the splendour of being adored not for who I try to be, but who I am. Love can be felt in any situation. A real relationship does not thrive on emotion alone. A real relationship does not always feel like clean white sheets on a summer evening. It does not always look like a rural African sky that glistens with the finest stars. A real relationship is as challenging as it is stressful but makes up for the two by being utterly blissful. The love that is shown and shared in a real relationship sweetens life’s blows and softens hard knocks.

Albert Einstein defines insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So if you find yourself as a 23 year old, doing the same thing over and over again for years while expecting a different result then you're better off heading to a loony bin and booking yourself in there a.s.a.p.

Real relationships are the epitome of dynamic and that is fine. It’s not a fairytale on purpose.

Phemii