I wake up in the morning, so tired of sleeping. I don’t want to get out of bed though … my sheets are too warm. Not so bad for someone sleeping alone I think to myself. I crack my curtain open, it’s sunny out. What a great day to have a great day (I silently wish). You see everybody is always talking about how everything is rosy, how you should smile and look at each day as a new chance … a time to start afresh. I do it too sometimes too. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m a happy person but just not today. I don’t know why though. I just want to stay in bed and eat chocolate today.

I’M NOT DEPRESSED.

I’m just out of sorts. Like a couple of fuses just blew. No biggie, if you know what I mean. I’m having one of those “Are you really okay” days. I like to call them, visiting the soul doctor days.

Yes, my soul is currently at the doctors. I’ve got a scheduled checkup.

We start with the basics: Am I alive? … Check !!!

Then on to the vitals: Am I happy? … Sometimes.

No one ever died of being alone and trust me you won’t be the first to sweetie.

You know that you’ve cried a thousand tears for someone, you can feel the passion is dead, this thing you once shared is hanging on a thread. Aren’t you tired of not being happy? Aren’t you tired of not being in the environment you want and deserve? Instead you want to save something you know deep in your heart is dead. Cut that string loose … let it go!

Now that’s when I immediately know something is wrong! There is something out there manifesting itself and taking away my happiness.

Like any good doctor you prescribe the right medicine but most importantly you need to find the source of it all … to prevent it from happening again of course

Now I have to reflect and retrace. When did all this start? Feeling unhappy that is. How do you suppose it came about? You analyze and look back at your life. The choices you’ve made, the people you’re acquainted with. You really need to find the answers. You’re desperate for them.

I had no idea why I was writing this, maybe because I know deep down I’m not okay or maybe because I want to prove a point, to get attention perhaps? I have to admit though, at first it was about the attention. I felt that saying something indirectly would help me get my point across … somehow make myself feel better by throwing this into the world but as I continued typing I realised that indeed I was really hurting. If anything my soul felt as though it was bleeding.

I know what I’m feeling at this moment and if anything I don’t want anybody to experience this. I look at myself each day and wonder where I went wrong. I’m a good person. I mean I can’t be that bad of a person right? I love … I love so hard and if anything I give, with everything I am. I laugh and I cry. I do what I’m supposed to. I’m not a saint but I do right. I am a GOOD PERSON. And yet all this has come tumbling down on me.

That’s when I looked back and realised one thing: “The things you go through today are preparing you for the life you will have in the future”

I’m not being punished … If anything, I’m being strengthened.

Sometimes complaining about how sad and depressed and miserable you are can drain you even more than you already were. If you can find a way to overlook all that negative energy and break through it maybe, just maybe you will become immune to misery. Remember that every set back is a setup for a step up.

Now let me try this again …

I wake up in the morning, so tired of sleeping. I don’t want to get out of bed though … my sheets are too warm. I crack my curtain open, its’ sunny out. What a great day to have a great day.

I get up, smile and continue to do exactly that – have a great day.

Keep on Keeping On | Queenie